5 Years Ago

I love the month of February, which I find a little strange. I would have thought that it would be a month that I associated with pain and grief. Our daughter Kori was born on February 6th, died on February 9th, and was buried on February 19th. That stretches out to a painful, long few weeks in the month. What I have realized is that I actually find comfort in her memory. I get to really allow myself to feel, and bring some of those raw emotions to the surface. It makes her real, and although I will not have the chance to raise her here on earth, she is my daughter. I saw her breathe, I kissed her face, I held her hand. I only wish it could have been longer. Some day though. . . some day I will see her again and I will hold and hug that little girl so tight when I do. I was thinking the other day about how I often struggle with the question, "how many children do you have?" I have this sort of strategy that I use. If someone that I know asks me I will usually say 4, and then very briefly explain that our 2nd child died shortly after birth. Inevitably that leads into a more detailed conversation (which I don't mind, but I don't say that with the intention of bringing on an additional conversation. I just don't like to leave Kori out). If someone asks me, "are these your 3 children?" or "do you have 3 children?" if I don't know them very well, or don't want to dive into a deep conversation, I will simply say, "yes." I will never forget when I was pregnant with Caden (the pregnancy right after Kori), I was at a baby shower and lady asked me what number child this would be for me. I said, "well, it is number 3." Then I explained that I had a 2 year old son, and then a few months ago I had just lost a baby girl 3 days after her birth, and so this pregnancy would be number 3. She said, "so really this is number 2 for you then." In shock I said something like, "well, this will be my second living child, yes." I still don't understand how anyone could see it that way, and why they would say something like that to my face even if they DID see it that way. Oh well. Here is what I DO understand. I have 4 children and 1 one on the way. She was and is a REAL person, and we love her so! I hope you will take the time to watch her video--especially if you haven't seen it before. If anything it might just make you hold your kids a little tighter today :)