Lately I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy as a mother/wife etc. I know I’m not alone, but when I am having these feelings of inadequacy I am in such a dark and lonely place, that I feel like I’m the only one. Even right now, I can clearly see that it was Satan working on me and that he often tries to make me feel like I am a failure, that I am of no worth, and that I have nothing to offer. Satan is real, he is more evil than we often realize, and he hates us. He would love nothing more than to destroy us—usually from the inside out.
Saturday night I broke down and started crying to my husband. I explained to him that I feel like I am drowning in laundry and dishes, that I can’t ever seem to get ahead, that I am a total failure. I constantly have a huge pile of laundry at the foot of the bed that never ends, there is crap everywhere—piles of outgrown clothes to be put away for the next child, piles of papers to be filed in the file cabinet that we don’t have, my island in the kitchen is constantly full of junk—mail, school papers, receipts, keys, phones, etc. I don’t feel peaceful when things do not have their place and are unorganized and I can’t seem to pull myself into a state of order. I clean up the same toys a million times a day, I only get about 15-20 minute chunks of time to do any housework before someone needs me, I can’t stick to my personal fitness and weight loss goals, I never feel like I have time to do anything crafty or fun or challenging because I can’t get ahead. . . and I went on and on and on. I was rubbing my forehead like a crazy lady, and I felt hopeless and desperate. My husband just told me to get some rest and not to let Satan get to me like that. He reassured me that I am doing a great job and he gave me a kiss and that was that.
I woke up the next morning and didn’t feel much better--still defeated. I got up and got the kids some breakfast, fed the baby, put him back down for a nap and then crawled back in bed after telling my husband, “I’m not going to church today. I’m just not feeling very good.” He went to his meeting and came home and took the older kids to church and I stayed home with the baby. I thought, “how pathetic are you? Get up and get yourself to church if even for a little bit.” So I took a shower and got in my bathrobe and I looked up in the mirror and immediately buried my face into my arms on the counter and started bawling. Do you want to know what I said to myself through my tears and under my breath? I said, “You are so ugly. You are just so ugly, and you are a failure.” I cry right now just thinking about it because I know that’s not true. I cry because I feel sorry for myself, and for anyone else that has felt that way before. When I picture another mother or any daughter of God looking in the mirror and saying such horrible things about herself, it breaks my heart. Satan won that day. I totally threw in the towel, and I didn’t care.
The fact that this has happened a couple other times within the last year, and the fact that I know I am not the only one who this has happened to, made me feel impressed to write this journal entry (I guess I will call it). I’m not discounting hormones, or other things that could possibly be involved, but I have noticed that I have had these feelings specifically about my role as a mother.
Like I mentioned before, Satan is real. There is no convincing me otherwise. This is something that I know. His usual tactic is to do things so subtly, that we don’t even realize right away what is happening. He is sneaky, evil, and dark. I remembered a talk that Sheri Dew gave in 2001 entitled, “Are We Not All Mothers?” In this talk she said some very powerful truths that ring true to my heart:
”For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail. . .
"Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security, and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, “I am just a mother,” for mothers heal the souls of men. . .
"As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.”
Amazing. So once again, I will pick myself up and continue on doing the best I can. I am going to get down on my knees a lot more and rely on the Lord because I know I can’t do this by myself. I am being made aware of that more and more these days. I know I do not have to feel alone or scared. I know that there are others who feel this way and that we need to support and encourage and love one another.
In this month’s Ensign (March), when you open the front cover there is a picture of a sweet little girl with her mother’s hand on her cheek. It says, “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. . . It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.” I love that perspective. It is hard to keep when you feel like your hobbies and interests and goals are being put on hold because of these little people who run around making messes all day. And really, I’m not saying that one has to put everything on hold. I think it is possible to set goals and accomplish things, and it is necessary to maintain sanity, in my opinion. I just think for me, the goals I set right now while my children are so little need to be more realistic and not so. . . ridiculous, frankly.
This is one of my favorite songs. I have shared it before, but it helps me to feel like if I can ignore other distractions in life and turn to Him more often, I will be reminded of my great purpose in life:
He Knows Me Better
I want to say to YOU: you are loved, you are important, you are valued, you have so much to offer. Satan would have you believe otherwise for (what seems so clear at the moment) obvious reasons. Most importantly, you are a child of God and he loves you more than you will ever understand. He loves you as you are, and encourages you to do better. . . for your own good. . . but he loves you unconditionally.
2 comments:
I have loved that talk by Sheri Dew since the first time I heard it. That discouragement, that feeling of being down on yourself & defeated is so awful. I know that every woman goes through it. Some for longer periods than others. But all of us have felt that. And it makes me so very sad that we do. I see so much in you & you are able to give so much to others just by being WHO you ARE. I'm so glad you were able to come out of that funk. Never a good or enjoyable place to be.
Thank you for sharing!!
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