God's Love

One pattern I have noticed throughout my life is my struggle to really feel God's love for me. I know He loves me, but I often struggle with feeling that He loves me. I know He loves me because He answers my prayers and has blessed me with so much in my life. I also know he loves me because I have always been able to feel the love that God has for others, therefore, logically I know that He must have the same love for me. I have felt his love very strongly during specific trials, or when I am truly making a concerted effort to draw close to Him and seek His counsel through prayer and scripture study, but not on a consistent basis. I absolutely know that this is a problem on my end and not Gods :)

I thought I would dig deep and try to figure out why this is the case with me. I decided to first, reflect back on the times when I felt God's love the strongest in my life. Trials come to my mind. The most recent was 2 years ago when our daughter Kori died a few days after birth. As hard as that trial was, I felt peace throughout and I felt close to my Heavenly Father. I didn't necessarily read my scriptures more than usual, but I prayed more sincerely and more often.

I also felt God's love very strongly when I served my mission. I was studying the scriptures every day and for longer periods of time (then ever in my life!) and I was praying multiple times a day. I felt guided and directed as to where we should go and who we should talk to to share the gospel message. I felt connected.

Consistent scripture study and prayer are definitely key factors. I feel like I can put more sincere effort into them (more emphasis on "studying and applying" vs. just "reading" the scriptures, and also pouring my heart out to God vs. babbling the "usual routine" of words before my head hits the pillow, for example). That is the first thing I need to work on.

In digging deep I have also realized that I prevent myself from fully feeling God's love because I am way too hard on myself. Sometimes I fall into the trap of feeling like if I am not doing things "just right" (down to the laundry and the dishes) then I am not worthy of his love. If I feel like a failure in any way shape or form, then "God probably sees me that way too."

I read an article in the Ensign (one of our church magazines for those of you who are wondering) called, "Truths and Lies" by Jennifer Nuckols (for full article click here).In this article she compares 5 specific lies that Satan would have us believe about God, with gospel truths.

1. "LIE: Because of my weaknesses and failings, God is continually disappointed in, frustrated with, and even angry with me. TRUTH: God loves me and rejoices in me because I am His child." (I love this one because knowing that we are children of God is so powerful. Just reading that helps me to feel of His love even more).

2. "LIE: I'm not as righteous, spiritual, attractive, or kind as that other person; therefore, God must love that person more than He loves me. TRUTH: God knows my individual potential and progress intimately. He does not compare or rank me with His other children."

3. "LIE: I need to prove that I'm worth loving by being perfect. Only when I'm perfect will I be able to experience love from God and from others. TRUTH: Even though I'm not perfect now, I can have constant access to diving love."

4. "LIE: I'm a terrible failure. I'll never be good enough because I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. TRUTH: I'm not perfect, but the desires of my heart are good. I can feel inspired to progress."

5. "LIE: I have too many issues, hang-ups, and past mistakes to be blessed and happy. TRUTH: No mistake, no personal challenge, no past circumstance is outside of the healing and redemptive power of the Atonement."

The "TRUTHS" above are full of mercy, love, and forgiveness. As the article points out, "Some of these truths about ourselves and about God seem so wonderful that they can be difficult to accept. If we do not 'resist the spirit of truth' but instead allow the truths about ourselves and about our relationships with God to fill our souls, we will experience an increase of joy."

In order to overcome my struggle to feel God's love more in my life (in addition to more sincere scripture study and prayer) I need to believe that He is merciful (yes, even to me), that He is forgiving (yes, even to me), and that I am His daughter (yes, even me)! After all, He loves me so much that "he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). If I focus on these things in a more personal way, I will not be so hard on myself and will allow myself to embrace the love that God always had and always will have for me. . . as His child.